I am struggling so much. I have decent days, but I always end up falling back to the rut I am in. I want to pray and believe that God has something amazing in store for me, but after believing this for so long, I've ran out of faith. I'm out of hope. I am so lost.

Having a hard time.

Disclaimer: I wrote this the other night after a very hard, full day of depression. I went over all of the what-ifs and the I-wish scenarios. But, as I mentioned, this is my heart and I write what is on my heart. I don't know it all and sometimes I feel like I am very childish in my faith. I apologize if anyone who is reading this is offended.


I'm really struggling with my faith right now. I can't help but realize that it was God who gave my dad the cancer. He could have never let it happen. He knew how it would effect me, as well. He knew I would have PTSD resulting from this, on top of everything else that was going on. All of this could have been stopped if God would have kept my dad from the cancer. I am angry with God. I am hurt. And I hold the resentment, no matter how much I try to talk to God and ask Him to get me through this.

This is just where I am right now.

Fear.

Fear. Such a small word with a large impact. At least on my life, that is. I am tired of letting fear control me. That means that I am letting the fear I have outweigh my faith and trust that God has control of my life. It isn't going to be an overnight transformation, however I am so ready for positive change. When my dad was diagnosed with chordoma, and then all of the surgeries and healing that followed, I let fear in more than I ever have. Suddenly my entire world changed in the blink of an eye and it hasn't stopped yet. Right now I need faith. A big ol' dose of faith. I need peace. I need positivity. And what I need most of all is Jesus.

I believe; help my unbelief!

It's been in my head all day today. While I have a lot on my mind, it is comforting to know those words are written on my heart.

Searching for grace.

Well, that's just it. I am constantly searching for grace. When I rededicated my life to Christ in the summer of 2009, I was sure that the Lord really would create in me a new heart. Previously, I came to the Lord when I was twelve in 1996. Although I know He was always with me, it was different. Sometimes I didn't even think about Jesus. So thirteen years later, when I bought a new bible and started listening to Christian music, everything changed.

Now, over six years later, I feel like my heart is just as filthy as it always has been. The only thing different? I'm well aware of it being dirty. Every day I make mistakes that I wish I didn't do. My temper gets the best of me, my negative thoughts hurt me, my mouth runs when it shouldn't, and I am tired of all of it. I pray through out the day most of the time. I tend to tell the Lord what's on my heart and mind (as if He didn't know), and I almost always ask for Him to change my heart. Lately though, I've wondered if it is even His will? Maybe I'm impatient, but you would think six years of prayers would mean something.

I struggle with many things. This is merely just one of them. I write what's on my heart, and I welcome any encouragement or suggestions. (If anyone actually even reads.)