I am hurting. I am worried. I am full of fear.

I am also trying to be reminded that He is still here with me.

"Even still, He is good."

Struggle.

I am struggling so much. I have decent days, but I always end up falling back to the rut I am in. I want to pray and believe that God has something amazing in store for me, but after believing this for so long, I've ran out of faith. I'm out of hope. I am so lost.

Having a hard time.

Disclaimer: I wrote this the other night after a very hard, full day of depression. I went over all of the what-ifs and the I-wish scenarios. But, as I mentioned, this is my heart and I write what is on my heart. I don't know it all and sometimes I feel like I am very childish in my faith. I apologize if anyone who is reading this is offended.


I'm really struggling with my faith right now. I can't help but realize that it was God who gave my dad the cancer. He could have never let it happen. He knew how it would effect me, as well. He knew I would have PTSD resulting from this, on top of everything else that was going on. All of this could have been stopped if God would have kept my dad from the cancer. I am angry with God. I am hurt. And I hold the resentment, no matter how much I try to talk to God and ask Him to get me through this.

This is just where I am right now.

Fear.

Fear. Such a small word with a large impact. At least on my life, that is. I am tired of letting fear control me. That means that I am letting the fear I have outweigh my faith and trust that God has control of my life. It isn't going to be an overnight transformation, however I am so ready for positive change. When my dad was diagnosed with chordoma, and then all of the surgeries and healing that followed, I let fear in more than I ever have. Suddenly my entire world changed in the blink of an eye and it hasn't stopped yet. Right now I need faith. A big ol' dose of faith. I need peace. I need positivity. And what I need most of all is Jesus.

I believe; help my unbelief!

It's been in my head all day today. While I have a lot on my mind, it is comforting to know those words are written on my heart.